The Quiet They Praised

They thought I was a quiet child,
So easy, good, obedient, mild.
They said I cried to draw their gaze,
Then blamed me for my frightened ways.
They called me frozen, hard, unkind;
Said, “It wasn’t bad. Leave it behind.”
They taught me trust was where harm starts,
And truth would keep me torn apart.

To stay unharmed meant “do as told”;
I made myself both small and cold.
My voice was danger, so it fled;
My tears spoke every word instead.
I searched each room for where to hide;
My body learned to step outside.
My world stayed braced for each attack;
The nightmares left, then circled back.
I am the one I trust the least;
Each new connection redraws peace.

UNTIED LACES

Pitter patter

Playing with  cooking batter
Bright smiles
Stretching out miles
Little faces

And untied laces
Welcoming hugs
Capturing bugs
Their love
Tender as a dove
Is a gift
To help our spirits lift

It isn’t until night
That they have to fight
When they hear his feet
And know they are to be beat
It doesn’t take him long

But they don’t know it’s wrong
When down Daddy lays
And says it’s time to play
They feel the shame
And they feel the blame

But in him their trust
Never rusts
For him, they lie
And silently cry

In their night
There is no light
Somehow they hope
And learn to cope
But why should they pay
When with him the blame doth lay

In daylight, they play with balls
And with their dolls
The pain they hide
And through life they ride
Because he says, “Be good, Ruth”
They lose their youth
Yet still people remain quiet
And cause no riot

So when we see their little faces
And their untied laces
We should know their scars
Remain because of our hearts’ bars

For them I vow
I will not bow
To the anger on men’s faces
But to those who wear untied laces.

THEY SAY

A little feeling
Yet it leaves me reeling
A heart confused

Abused
“Heal and forget” they say
I can’t ignore where pain doth lay
I hear of a shining light
But feel only blackness of night

“Choose” they tell me
But can we leave what we believe to be
I’m in a cage, trapped
Others have my life mapped
No one chooses to be bruised
But my heart, it’s been used

Why then, they ask, do I trust
Never letting my faith rust
In all I believe good to be
In all that is, but me
For I was taught to see
I can never be free

Still I feel hope
And hold to life’s rope
Behind walls, I lock the pain
And pretend it never does rain

Guilt at me grows
But I know not for which  flaws
So I shall the guilt ignore

And upon the floor, my body curl
“Live” they say
And though pain still in me doth lay
I look at their eyes
And know hope has yet to die.

WORDS

Words
Can be magical clouds
Or in anger
Their stings may linger
Gifts so small

Yet many an emotion do they call
We all may know
Of their power to bring one low

Words fall like rain
And they can maim
Strange their power
Can sometimes be soft as a flower

What would it be
If everyone and me
Left hateful words to sleep
Would our hope then leap

When used with hate
Only retracted too late
Oh they can be harsh chords
And such is the power of words.

ONE DAY

Alone I lay
In my mind, I replay
Words from Father:  “You’re bad!
You make me mad!”

He hates me
It’s easy to see
I wish I knew why

He doesn’t want me nigh
I feel as if I’m in a race
And my prize would be love on his face
He wonders why my wrists I cut
For he can’t see its to escape pain’s rut

He says,  “I love your sister”
I know she doesn’t blister
I look at my knife
Won’t be much to end this life
But I can’t, I’m not brave and one day
His love may upon my heart lay.

ME

I want to be strong
I don’t want to be wrong
I don’t want to fight
But make things right

Too often I frown
And feel as though I’ll drown
But when pain should come
I feel only numb
Others are good
I would be, if I could
But instead I cause pain
And bring others rain
I don’t at all sleep
Memories within me leap

They say I’m rare
I don’t care
Why was I put here?
And why do I live in such fear
Should I end me?
Should I let it be?

Still I live
I need to give
But give what?
I know not.
I’d give love, I would
Or gold, if I could
But to give, there’s only me
And that’s not a gift, you see.

THE LAST ONE

Her brother was the first born
She was the last to get up every morn
To get good grades, she was the best
And in that play, she was never cast

She grew up, silent
Never at all violent
She always obeyed
With dignity, her dues were paid
Her brother laughed and played
And lasting friends he made
But she just quickly walked
And with others, never talked

Her lot in life was last place
And she held it with grace
At night she dealt with fears
Bravely holding in tears

She loved very deep
Tried to joy keep
But still she felt alone
And cold down to the bone

She carried secrets dark
Of small, black marks
That were put there in anger
With painful words that linger
Neither brother nor mother
Knew of the other

She said it was her fault
If she were good, the pain would halt
She was the last one
The one after the son

She was the one who was quiet
And never caused any riot
But she was also in pain
The one who held the rain
The one that  fell to the rug
Longing for a hug

How did she live
Continue to smile and give
How did she through life walk
Without ever having to talk
It wasn’t that she didn’t try
Only that she couldn’t cry

It wasn’t that she didn’t tell
Only that others wouldn’t believe her tale
After all, men are admired
And this could get him fired
So she was the one left
To the innocence-stealing theft

And only when it  came
Did they realize it wasn’t a game
Finally she could no longer give
For he’d taken from her the chance to live

GREATEST PAIN

The worst pain of life
Isn’t bleeding by a knife
Dying isn’t the worst pain
For death, it stops the rain

What hurts more is lying
Alone and silently crying
When no one on Earth
Seems to care about your birth
What hurts more is trying hard on a test
Only to have others say it wasn’t your best

Feeling as though you’re always wrong
And knowing life’s road is long
Having your friend
Insist the friendship end

Knowing everyone talks about you
Hurts worse than death’s hue
Confessing all your fears
And feeling as though no one hears

Breaks the heart more
Then walking through death’s door
Waking up scares me
But so does sleep, for what I might see
But going into death’s light
That’s what I think of at night

Cause when people think you don’t care
It’s a pain that at the heart doth tear
When your heart is broken
And laughed about like its a joke
Pain is when you’re always bored
Because by everyone you’re ignored

It makes life sad
When you’re hated by your dad
Pain is feeling you have no choice
Silenced is your voice
At least in death’s keep
You can’t feel the heart’s beep

But life goes on
Even when its gone
And even though you’re numb
Morning doth still come
Even though I keep walking
And listening to others talking
I know the greatest pain is being as a dove
Ignored, alone and unloved.

SECOND BEST

I write books
But find wrong nooks
I made a B on the Math test
B means second best

I wave and smile
But don’t go the extra mile
And it’s been months since my last call
To the teacher who might care when I fall

Each and every day
Should have thoughts lay
And feelings of regret and guilt soar high
For naught can change remorse’s sigh

Are we all this perfectionistic way
Or do some feel peace at the end of the day
Am I really not worthy of this place
Does worthiness really come with being the ace

Others say I’m special, rare
Yet I give not my all to others’ care
Am I crazy or just mad
Or is my heart really just bad
One day I must find peace with me
Though always perfect I will never be.

HOPE’S ARRIVAL

All her fears
Are shown with tears
Shed only within restless dreams
Into which no bright light beams
Dawn brings naught but a maze
Through which she stumbles in a daze

She alone walks through life
Never protesting the strife
She knows hers is a troubled walk
Since fear says she must not talk

When they say she’s strong
She knows they’re wrong
And she plays with the belief
That death would bring relief
But hope still shall come
And no more will she mourn

The new light of day
When her sorrow will lay
With the eagles she will soar
And hear her soul’s joyous roar
Her fears at last will sleep
And her happiness shall leap

ONE WHO CRIES

Rain pours from the sky
Way up where eagles fly
Adults begin to run
While children stay for fun

I step in a watery puddle
Without trying to, in warmth, huddle
From a leaf’s edge a droplet falls
Akin to wiping away a  tear pain doth call

Frozen and amazed, I tip my head back
The sun’s bright rays the skies now lack
Its warm glow giving way to a chill
Realization flows through me still
These droplets are in the skies above
Where the only perfection and love

Has always and does still live
Yet now crystal tears heaven doth give
Inside me, my own tears swell
For so long did they in hiding dwell
I’ve been afraid of letting them free
I convinced others tears weren’t for me

Strong, worthy ones never speak of fears
And don’t ever show tears
Until they are alone in dark’s night
And only they deserve love, right?
Showing pain harms ones loved much

And doesn’t at all show love’s gentle touch
Selfish it is to battle pain out loud
Pain is not for a crowd
But yet still rain falls from heaven’s mist
And heaven, well’s it’s by God kissed

Could it be the Creator doth cry
Only to let the angels His face dry?
The skies open wide
Sending rain’s tide
The rain that comes from God’s hand
Are tiny tears that refresh our land

The mist sends living things hope
Helping them to cope
Slowly filled with awe, my eyes close
Peace unfurling in me like a rose
Despite what I’ve been told
I feel tears coming from within the hold

If God can so easily tears shed
Then maybe astray I’ve been led
With time the rain droplets cease
And with warmth the air doth tease

My eyes ease from the dark
To see again the sun’s bright mark
Heaven’s pain has passed
As earth feels again the sun’s warm cast

And now, deep within me, I believe
That even my own pain will soon leave
But only after my heart I rinse
Will I from pain no longer wince
As I open my eyes
I feel the joy of one who cries.

OLD FEARS

Voices are soon a shout
I don’t know what about
Only that I cared
And now I was scared

I would in my bed lay
And many prayers I would say
My body would shake
After a nightmare I would wake

My parents’ fights
Always started after lights
I guess it was to protect me
But from shouts I was never free

You ask why in my eyes are tears
Its because I still have fears
That were brought anew
When into a shout your voice flew

Feelings get lost in anger
And losing your love is a danger
And take that risk I will not
Because your love is all I’ve got

You say from you I hide
But it’s just I don’t want you from my side
And if I tell you what I really believe
I’m scared you will leave.

So no more will I throw anger’s pins
Because I don’t want to win
Having my way
Isn’t worth having to without you lay
I still shake and cry when voices are lifted
Because I know apart my parents drifted
So whether I’m wrong or right
Because I love you, I will not fight.

 

AFRAID

Of footsteps in the halls
And even of telephone calls
I feel so afraid
Without aide
Of being without someone on whom to lean
Of even by others being seen

I lie awake, so afraid
Feeling as though peace is delayed
I fear being alone
Yet my heart is like a stone

Conflicting emotions leave me afraid
Feeling as if someone did my heart raid
Somehow I smile
Put my feelings in a pile

Never to be talked about
For I don’t want to pout.
Of disappointing my mother
And being a bother

Many fears doth my heart hold
Even of being bold
Of wasting time
Of never having a dime
Sometimes unborn I wish I’d stayed
Because of life I am afraid.

THE GAME

Hiding behind a door
Curled up on the floor
Her spirit filled with fear
Her eyes wishing for a tear

Secrets keep her held back
And remind her all she doth lack
Abuse and loneliness are in her past
And those wounds won’t heal fast

She’s known few a friend
But she knows how to defend
When she was very young
Doubt and shame its song sung

Her dad liked to play a game
Of which none was the same
He could the game condone
But it had to be played alone

As she grew
Away her dreams flew
She felt trapped in silence
Afraid of violence

She longed for love
To fly as a dove
She wanted to from pain be free
And to a brighter future see
But instead she got ahold of a drug
Which only swept the pain under a rug

A lonely pained group she met
And with them, she often set
During the day, her life she’d patrol
But at night, her dad had the control

Her home was orthodox
But her reality was a paradox
It was difficult to trust
With upon her heart so much rust

Could she make a change
Would she ever herself re-arrange?
She finally met a man
Upon whom she could lean
He saw through the happy charade
And for the truth made a raid

She learned to trust
She cleaned the rust
For herself she stood
And decided to knock on wood
And she told the truth
Defended the little girl Ruth
The abuse then did end
And her life began to mend

Her friend showed her a new life
And wanted her for his wife
He believed in her
And that did her heart stir
He listened to her talk
And helped her from ashes walk

He was truly impressed
When she was no longer depressed
Soon, she was able to smile
And joyfully walk any mile
One friend had been her aide
And helped her into lighter waters wade
Her life may have been hard
But she ended with the winning card
We all can do the same
If we, as friends, destroy his game

THE SHADOW

No matter how hard I try
Things for me go awry
Everyone says I’ve done well
My heart won’t believe their tale

Do you know why
Every night I cry?
Do you want to know
What causes my every woe?

The answer is me
I won’t let myself be
See, I have this thought
That I never do what I ought

Expectations
Fearful situations
They play in my mind
I leave nothing behind

A shadow follows me
And questions everything you see
I have to be perfect
Or upon my mother it’ll reflect
Everything has to be just right

But it’s never been right at night
Sometimes I want to run
Maybe then my guilt would be undone
But responsibilities calls

At my heart it mauls
Sometimes I wonder if it’ll ever be free
From shadow’s guilt that won’t let me be.
Guilt’s a terrible thing
It never gives one a Spring
Because of its painful mark
I’ll go cry in the dark.

WHAT IT MEANS

This is what it means
To be betrayed and abused
Everyone’s against you it seems
Though you were used
Cruelly violated and without defense
Feeling odd with your innocence taken
The world no longer makes sense

Your heart feels broken
Irrational is your fear
But still your fear is such
That you won’t let no one near
You cry at the simplest touch

Crazy but you feel shame
Even though you really know
You don’t own the blame
You could have still screamed “No!”
Your body feels unclean
And it’s yourself you hate
For having to on others lean
For ever agreeing to that date
Your trust is abused
That’s what it feels like
Your life’s been made
And it is without a light.